..::a shower of fairy dust_and off to neverland::..

Adulterated Alliterations

2006-11-14T17:08:00.000+06:30

Whispered words wander in the wind
while willows wade in the water.
Solemn songs are sung in soliloquy
serenading symphonies to Sweet Sixteens.

Moonlight masks the marauders
while mothers mourn in misery.
For feverish faces and flaming fantasies
find fulfillment in foliage of forbidden forests.

Temperatures tower as the tandem twists and turns,
taunting them trilogies in tranquil temples;
Canopies conceal complicated conjunctions
as curious children change into childish couples.

As naked novices nourish nocturnal necessities,
naiads neigh in naivete:
"The youth, they yell for yonder years,
while yields of yore yearn yesterday."

10/09/06

wishing of hypermnesia.

2006-10-25T19:57:00.000+06:30

if there ever was a pill that would make one effortlessly memorize every word written on a book, every particular sound of the notes in a symphony, every single sensation of every perception ever experienced, and if that pill was widely commercialized throughout the globe, would human beings be happier than they relatively are now?

memories may only be as good as they last, but memory in itself, exists because of the truth that nothing can last forever. and if memories weren't created, what would be the remnants of fleeting episodes of true existence?

***
i wish i had hypermnesia. i don't mind living through unerasable thoughts of a miserable past.
i do know that it would be really wonderful to remember every single sensation within every single moment that i shared with you. :)

dye your hair blue

2006-10-07T12:39:00.000+06:30

i had a really weird dream last night. there i was, all alone in my room when all of a sudden albert einstein popped right in front of me out of thin air.
instead of shock, what i felt was relief. for i knew that only he (aside from God) can answer the question that's been troubling me (in my dream, that is).

so i asked him:

"what do i have to do to get *insert name here*'s attention? how can i be able to make him look my way?"

being the genius that he is, he paused for a while to ponder about my inquiry.

a few moments later, he said:

"dye your hair blue."

and vanished into thin air.

in my dream i felt as if the mystery of life had just been revealed to me. i felt utmost certainty that by following einstein's advice, i would finally be noticed by my prince charming. after all, he is one of the most intelligent people who ever lived (aside from the inventor of iPod, of course), isn't he?

so i dashed to the nearest salon, desperately wanting to dye my hair blue. i knew i could've done it myself, but my hair was too precious, and i wanted everything, everything to be perfect.

i entered the salon, dashed to the receptionist, and said:

"i want you to dye my hair blue."

"blue?" she asked.

"yes, blue. would someone please dye my hair blue? how much would it cost?"

"but ma'am, we don't have blue hair dye. how about green? or purple? i'm sure that would look good on you."

enraged, i shouted angry words at the receptionist and stormed out of the salon.

i had to find someone who could dye my hair blue.

fast.

i was fast forwarded to what i perceived was the last salon in the country. if i remember it correctly, it was named "the cutting edge".

i was tired and desperate, and for the thousandth time, i asked the receptionist:

"could someone please dye my hair blue?"

for the first time out of a thousand, i got a different answer:

"we have the blue dye, ma'am, but nobody is currently available to dye your hair."

"how long do you have to wait?"

"if you want, you can place a reservation. but the next slot will be two weeks from now."

if there ever was a word to describe exactly how i felt at that very moment, i don't think that misters merriam or webster or oxford or grollier had ever heard of it before.

but instead of blowing up like a giant red tomato, i, for the first time out of a hundred as well, kept my cool and thought of another way to solve my problem.

"how much is the dye?" i said.

***

i walked out of the salon with a bag of blue dye, an ecstatic feeling, and an empty wallet. i decided that if nobody is available to dye my hair for me, then i would have to do it myself. it shouldn't be hard. i've watched my mother dye her hair at times. if i really want him to notice me, i have to do it myself. i have to dye my hair on my own.

monday came. i got up reeaally early to fix myself up. i spent 30 minutes thinking about whether i should braid my hair or put it in a bun. a few hours later, i got out of our house with my hair down, playfully twirling strands between my fingers.

when i got to school, i walked along as if i owned the world. i wore an all white dress, so my hair would do all the drama.

and then there was him.

he looked towards my direction and smiled. as his first few steps led him right in front of me, i felt the wind lift my locks up, and i instinctively moved my head so that my hair would float in the wind like the waves in a blue ocean. this is my moment. after this i would post an essay about how intelligent albert einstein is in my blog. today, my whole world will change, and i attribute that to my blue hair.

he stopped right in front of me. i gave him a smile (which was more like a beam) and he instantly smiled back at me.

"nice hair, deane" he said.

and as he walked on, i felt as if the whole universe wanted this to happen. i stared at him while he traversed the street, and gaped at his all-unique, all-handsome stance. my eyes remained locked at the divine figure that i didn't get the chance to see the other figure walking right towards him.

then i felt something wet touch my skin..

it was starting to rain.

i remained there, staring at him, and at the other figure who immediately took his hand and kissed him on the cheek.

i knew that something was wrong with that particular girl. but i couldn't quite figure out what it is.

was it her dress?

was it her face?

was it the way she held his hand?

was it the way she kissed him?

then it struck me. harder than i could ever imagine.

this girl had blazing red hair.

rain, lots of it, caught me unaware.

as i entered the college building, i found myself drenched.

drenched.

in blue water.

i went to the bathroom only to see my hair, no longer blue, but a mess of black and dissolved blue.

it was the most abhorring thing i had ever seen.

i wanted to cry, but i couldn't. instead, i laughed. i laughed so hard all the people outside heard me.

even my sister heard me laughing.

so she woke me up.

endless...

2006-09-19T12:39:00.000+06:30

the worst brings out the best in everyone

toxic. as in Uber toxic talaga ng buhay ko within the past four weeks.

WEEKS 1 and 2.

Clinicals.

Nagstart na kaming mag clinical duty sa Ward 14-B, isa sa dalawang Obstetrics and Gynecology ward ng PGH. Dahil nga kami ang isa sa dalawang pinaka-unang group na sasabak sa clinical experience ng N-10 Foundations of Nursing ng UPCN, walang ibang feeling na namayani sa kalooban ko kundi isang plethora ng TakoT, ExcitemenT, at isang foreboding na pakiramdam na magiging HeLL ang susunod pang mga linggo.

Sa kabutihang palad ay napunta naman sa grupo namin ang isa sa mga pinakamabait at pinakamaarugang teacher na nakilala ko sa buong buhay ko. Sobrang nabawasan ang tensyon ko mula nung malaman ko na siya ang magiging CI ko sa Ward. At totoo nga naman, sobrang naging magaan ang load na naramdaman ko dahil nandoon siya, kasama namin every step of the way.

Sobrang na-feel ko ang pride mula nung maisuot ko nang kumpleto ang Clinical uniform namin. Sabi nga, mafifeel mo lang daw na nagnunursing ka pag nasimulan mo nang isuot ung uniform. True enough, as if may magic spell ang uniform na yun, ang malikot, makulit, magulo, at clumsy na si Deane Mitchelle ay natransform into a less malikot, makulit, magulo at clumsy na tao. hehe. Napilitan talaga akong huwag magpakagulo tuwing suot ko ang uniform ko, sa loob man o sa labas ng ward. Haii, I feel it in my blood na talaga. This is my calling.

The best part about my 2-week clinical experience is the whole nurse-patient interaction that we had. Sobrang memorable talaga nung mga yun. I had two clients, Nanay Pusing and Nanay Marissa. I might forget them sometime in my life, but before I do, I'll always cherish them as the people who first helped me achieve the truly wonderful feeling of establishing a bond with a total stranger, in terms of being a nurse. God bless them both.

toxicity level: **

WEEK 3.

Community.

Kung may Richter scale lang ang anxiety at nerbyos at kaba, the first day of this week would have reached way beyond the highest. Sa lahat ba naman ng mga sangkatauhan, grupo pa namin, GROUP B ang maaassign sa isa sa mga legendary na professor sa UP College of Nursing! At gudlak naman sa aming mga neophytes diba? Kilala ang prof. na to sa pandedelay ng mga tao. yun lang naman. and we're FIRST in the line of battle. kumbaga, kami ung unang-unang mababaril. Ay hindi, nuclear warhead pala ang nakatutok sa amin. That's it. Kung may taong hindi kinakabahan sa grupo namin, siguro patay na siya kaya ganun.

Sa NAIA Health Center kami naka-assign. Isa yung Health Center na nakatago sa Our Lady of the Airways parish malapit sa NAIA. Kaya nung sabihin namin sa manong drayber nung jeep na dalhin kami sa NAIA Health Center, e parang natulala lang siya, natakot na mawalan ng pasahero, at kahit hindi naman talaga alam ay nagsinunghaling para lang hindi namin siya layasan. Ayun tuloy, late na nga kami, ang haba haba pa ng nilakad namin para lang masalubong ang aming dreaded professor. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, may nakita yata akong usok na nag-eemanate from her nostrils kahit ang girly girly at mukhang inosente ang smile niya. Op kors galit siya. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ng higher years, yun daw ang mahirap sa kanya. Hindi mo malalaman kung tama o mali o disastrous na ang ginagawa mo dahil kahit ano ang mangyari, kahit napatay mo na ung patient mo dahil sobra ang pagpump mo ng BP apparatus, nakasmile pa rin siya, smile lang. smile to the nth level.

Siguro akala niya, kakosa namin si Superman dati sa Krypton. O kaya naman kami yung mga lumaking Batang X. O kaya naman clones kami ng mga teenage mutant ninja turtles at kahit di hamak naman na mas matino ang itsura namin sa kanila ay iniisip nya na may super powers kami at kayang naming gawin sa loob ng isang araw ang santambak na bagay. Sa dami ng pinagawa niya sa amin, namatay na lahat ng mga kuko namin sa paa sa kakaresearch at natusta na ang mga kilay namin sa kasusunog. Nursing Health History, Family Service and Progress Record, Risk assessment, Metro Manila Developmental Screening Test, Nutritional Assessment, Recommended Energy and Nutritional Intake, Meal Plan, Health Education at Nursing Care Plan ang ilang lang sa mga inexpect niyang magagawa ng aming mga mumunting katawan at pagod na pagod nang utak. Buti sana kung N10 lang ang klase namin ngayong semester. Kaso lang meron pang Parasitology, Microbiology, Asian History, N4 Pathophysiology at Biochemistry. Kailangan pang magprepare ng performance para sa upcoming na College event, ang Nursecissism na inaabangan talaga ng lahat. Kaya mejo 1/4 na lang ng buong being ko ang alive nung mga panahon na iyon. To top it all, namaos pa ko.

Mabuti na lang at mabait naman ang pamilyang napunta sa akin. Kung hindi, baka hindi na ako nakapag-smile ulit sa buong career ko.

For the record, ang linggong ito ang naging pinakamahabang linggo ng buong buhay ko so far.

toxicity level: **********************************************

WEEK 4.

For some reason ay hindi ko inisip na magiging magaan ang linggong ito para sa akin.

Dahil nga isa akong bibong bata, ay nagvolunteer akong tumulong na maglead ng BATCH namin para maisakatuparan ang Nursecissism performance namin. Kaya't bagamat physically incapable at mentally strained pa ang utak ko ay pinilit kong magkaroon ng lakas para magawan ng paraan ang performance na mukhang walang patutunguhan. Paano ba naman, isang linggo na lang ang natitira para magpractice. Gud luck talaga.

Grabe, hindi ko alam na kaya ko palang maging mataray at times. As in ung Uber taray na parang si Anne Marielle Galvez kapag natural niya. Ganun. At hindi normal sa akin ang ganun. Kaya sorry na lang sa mga batchmates ko na natarayan ko nung mga panahon na yun. Pagod lang talaga ako. at makulit naman kasi talaga kayo. :)

Dumating ang Friday at kasama nito ang takot dahil hindi pa namin natatapos yung performance namin! Mabuti sana kung tapos na at papraktisin na lang namin, kaso ang problema, hindi pa naituturo ng maayos yung huling part. Kaya naman one hour before the program ay nun pa lang namin talagang napraktis yung performance. Asteeg talaga ang batch namin. Composed at mukha pa ring walang problema kahit malapit nang gumuho ang tanging mundong ginagalawan namin.

Hindi ko napigilang mamangha nung makita kong nag-aayos yung mga batchmates ko. Siyet. Ang gaganda at ang gagwapo namin. Huwah! :) Sobrang nasiyahan ako na super nagtulung-tulungan yung buong batch para mabuo ang lahat. Nung nagpeperform na kami, sobrang naririnig ko yung pagkabog ng dibdib ko. Sobrang crammed ang performance na to pero whatever happens, masaya pa rin ako kasi nagawa namin to. As one.

Wala kaming naiuwing trophy (kahit wala naman talagang trophy na ipinamimigay sa Nursecissism) pero lahat kami nag-enjoy. Lahat kami narelieve dahil Friday na, tapos na naman ang isang linggo, at tapos na rin ang performance na nagburden sa amin for the past week. Tapos na ang sunod-sunod na 8 pm na uwian, tapos na rin ang karapatan kong magtaray at mang-okray ng mga tao.

Napakasaya ng mga nangyari nitong linggo na to kahit sobrang nakakapagod.

Un sangre. Un personas. One blood, one people.

toxicity level: ******* (seven yan. para sa seven endless.)

Alam kong hindi dito nagtatapos ang katoxican namin. That's for sure. Pero meron pa ring isang endless na for sure ay hindi namin ireregret - hangga't nagkakaisa ang batch namin at hangga't lahat kami ay may paniniwala sa isa't isa, hindi kami matitibag ng kahit ano pang level ng katoxican.

BSN Batch 09. San ka pa? :)

the ice queen

2006-09-18T05:57:00.000+06:30

if lightning should ever strike me in my life, i would want it to be here. now.

if a feeling so intense should ever course through my veins, let it not be in another lifetime.

melt my heart so i can feel,

give warmth to my blood so i can escape.

i want to feel some fire from deep inside me.

breathe out into me,

for i am frozen.

light & darkness

2006-08-24T19:45:00.000+06:30

H e loved her like dew loved the break of dawn - silent and immeasurable.

for the most part, it was him who gave the relationship its life -
he was always the one to sacrifice, to surrender, to give more.

for a year and eight months he cherished whatever he had,
never asking for anything more or for anything in return.

but a day after that, she left. without saying anything, anything at all.

-----~~~------

"y ou complete me," she told him.

fifteen months passed, and because of the same person,
she found herself torn, mismatched and empty-
as if she'll never be whole again.

for the first time in her life, she felt grief like she never did before.

it was like being in a free-falling elevator;

when will this stop?
will this ever end?
will i be crushed when i get to the bottom?

she braced herself for the beginning of the end.

-----~~~------

H e was lost, he knew.

nothing could ever bring him back again.

if only death was enough to relieve the pain, he thought.

but it wasn't.

at last, he chose to leave the real world,

and retreat into his own - one of an eternal icy darkness -

where there was no light,

no heat,

nothing to feel.

no hope.

-----~~~-----

Y es, she knew, she had reached the end.

but as she opened the metal doors,

a sea of white rushed in, engulfing her whole.

at first she knew she was drowning in neither wind nor water

but in a heavenly scent of lilies.

lilies - not white, but clean.

so clean they shone like firstborn sunlight -
the kind that pierces thick, dark clouds after a heavy storm.

they flowed through her body, washing her inside out.

soon, she too sparkled -

she radiated a new sense of hope, of life after the destruction.

she was ready to love again.

**

in her dreams she saw a boy,

cold and lonely, hiding in the darkness.

she wanted to touch him,
to give him warmth,

to make him feel.

but how?

will light and darkness ever melt into one?

post-nuclear

2006-08-14T10:28:00.000+06:30

for two weeks now, the same song has been playing non-stop in my head.

i don't know why this got stuck in here, but it seems that my mind doesn't want to let go of it until i've really listened to what the song is trying to say.

*****

can a heart still beat when it's already broken?

*****

in a span of one year, i picked up the remaining shards of what used to be my heart. a few months after ground zero, i realized that i had nowhere to go but up, and so i prepared myself for the journey towards becoming whole once again.

there were times when i thought i was ready to love again. there were times when i thought i was strong and brave enough to expose my still-healing heart to the battlefield. there were times when i risked everything for simply another chance of feeling a sense of wholeness that i knew could only come from being in an intimate relationship with another person.

it is because of all those times that i wound up even more miserable, disappointed and depressed today than i ever did before.

~

so today, i must heed what this song tells me.
~

i shall
* start anew.
* pay no more interest in the sadness of the past
* wait for the time when love decides to pass my way.
* love.
but
* never love too much.
* have faith in the Lord, for after all, He is LOVE.

~* closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end*~

isda. and lots more.

2006-07-29T06:11:00.000+06:30

pinulbos na protina?

sino naman kayang geek/loner/bored person ang nagdecide na magimbento nun? nagkaroon pa tuloy kami ng extra assignment for the weekend. hassle talaga. tuloy, imbis na alas diyes pa ako gigising ngayong sabado ng umaga, nashorten ng apat na oras ang beauty rest ko.

nananaginip pa ko nung naramdaman kong tinatapik ng kung sinong pangit na nilalang ang braso ko. inabot ng halos 30 seconds para magregister sa utak ko na yung pangit na nilalang pala na yun ay ang tatay ko na sinabihan ko kahapon na kailangan kong bumili ng alamang para nga dun sa pinulbos na protina na pinapadala sa amin. halos limang minuto akong nagstruggle na paganahin ang sympathetic nervous system ko dahil alam ko na papagalitan ako ni daddy kapag hindi ko pa inayos ang sarili ko. pagbangon ko sa kama, nabihis kaagad ako, nagmumog, naghilamos, nag-ipit at huminga ng malalim. doon lang nagregister sa akin na pers taym kong makasama si daddy mamalengke. exciting ang experience na ito.

napakaganda ng umaga. ang lamig pa ng hangin. kaya nung nagsuggest si daddy na lakarin na lang namin hanggang sa dulo ng main street, wala akong nahanap na rason para tumanggi.

pagdating namin sa sta. ana market, nakita ko na marami rami na rin ang tao. pagakyat sa hagdan, dumeretso kami sa kanan kasi nandun yung fish section. at voila! sobrang naamaze ako sa nakita ko. ang dami daming isda!!! well, syempre madaming isda kasi seafood section nga naman yun nung palengke. pero kasi, masaya ung thought na gumising ako ng pagkaaga para mapalibutan ng mga offspring of the sea. hehe. ok ba yung term? naisip ko kasi, kung 'creatures of the sea' ang gagamitin ko, baka pumasok sa imahinasyon mo yung hitsura nung kalaban nila capt. jack sparrow sa pirates of the caribbean. kaya offspring of the sea na lang. :)

ang saya saya tignan ng mga tilapia! nagtatalunan pa sila dun sa lalagyan. sayang nga lang, di ko na nadala yung telepono ko; napiktyuran ko sana para naipakita ko sa iyo kung anong itsura nila. may mga tahong din na nagcclose-open dun sa isang tabi. tapos meron din namang mga laman ng talaba na nakalagay sa plastic. mukha silang mga nephrons na nagkaroon ng chronic renal failure. yuck, ang pangit ng comparison ko.

ang saya mamili ng isda. for a moment nagkaroon pa kami ni daddy ng dilemma kung bibilhin pa namin yung tambakol na inaalok sa amin nung tindera. in the end, nagsettle na lang kami sa bangus. mas marami nga naman kaming potahe na magagawa dun.

minsan talaga pag nabigyan ako ng pagkakataon, magaaral akong magkaliskis ng isda. at preferrably ay mga tindera sa palengke ang magiging tutor ko. para kasing sobrang galing nilang magtanggal ng guts at scales ng isda. ang bilis at ang efficient. alam na alam nila kung saan yung hihiwain. precise ang paghiwa nila kahit di nila nakikita yung buto sa loob. grabe, pwede silang bigyan ng phd sa fish surgery. ayus, i'm in the presence of professionals.

nakakita na ako ng buhay na hito dati, nung 21st birthday ng pinsan ko. pero ang liit lang nun, siguro kasing laki lang ng forearm ko. pero yung nakita namin doon kanina sa palengke, mas mahaba pa ata sa buong braso ko! at buhay pa yun ah. dalawa pa sila. amazing talaga.

**
ale: magkano ho itong isdang ito? (nakalimutan ko na yung pangalan)
tindera: 60 ho isang kilo.
ale: masarap ho ba ito?
tindera: naku, masarap yan. walang tinik, wala ring buto.
**

napatawa na lang ako sa sinabi nung tindera. pero syempre discreet lang yun. ang bionic naman nung isdang yun kung ganun. tinignan ko tuloy ng mabuti yung isda. mukha siyang maliit na tilapia. wala naman akong nakitang exoskeleton or something like it. kaya idinismiss ko na lang ang thought na nabuhay or nagexist talaga ang isdang yon ng walang skeleton sa loob. baka nageexaggerate lang yung tindera at in real life ay uber liit or negligible lang ng buto nung isdang yun kaya nya nasabi yun. business talk, kumbaga.

sabi ni jo dun sa blog nya na masayang makilala ang mga pinoy sa isang deeper level. and i can't agree more. napakaraming good qualities ng mga pilipino. pero bukod pa dun, marami rin tayong mga weird na katangian. at isa na sa mga pinaka weird ay ang nakita ko sa palengke kanina. nung nagbayad kami ng pinamili naming isda, yumuko yung tindera at humugot ng kung anong bagay mula sa ilalim nung patungan ng isda. at bigla siyang naglabas ng *tada!* isang pulang plastik na arinola. yun pala yung pinaglalagyan niya ng pera, kumbaga cash register. kung ano man ang rationale ng tinderang ito sa gesture niyang iyon, hindi ko talaga ma-identify. siguro kailangan ko na lang itong kilalanin bilang isa sa mga di-mabilang na dogma ng buhay.

doon sa may bakanteng space sa gitna, may matandang mama na naglatag ng puting tela. tapos nagpatong siya doon ng mga supot ng uling, mga kung anuanong dahon at mga supot ng asin. may tag-five pesos at tag-ten pesos. tapos dun sa isang dulo, may lalagyan ng palamig na may lamang tatlong piraso ng mamon. tinignan ko ng mabuti yung mama. mukhang intsik. for one second, inisip ko kung magta-taichi siya dun sa gitna. pero it appears na wala siyang balak gawin yun. nakakatuwa siyang nilalang.

nung pababa na kami ng hagdan, may nakita kaming tindera dun sa may gilid. at nakakatuwa dahil kumakanta siya. nung medyo malayo pa kami, nabanaagan ko na ang tono ng kinakanta niya ay 'stick with you' ng pcd. pero nung dumaan na kami sa gilid niya, nasagap ng tenga ko ang mga lyrics na: "bili na kayo ng tinapa". kung paano nya yun pinagkasya sa kanta, hindi ko na matandaan. i-figure out nyo na lang.

pagbaba namin, nagpunta kami sa bilihan ng bird food. at doon, nalaman ko na may iba't ibang klase pala ng pagkain ng ibon. dati kasi, ang alam ko lang ay yung maliliit na bilog bilog. meron pa palang mga mahahaba. meron ding mga medyo malalaking itim na seeds. merong pampaitlog, merong pampataba. nagenjoy tuloy ako sa thought na mayroon na ulit kaming mga ibon sa bahay. apat na lovebirds, at apat na finch. hindi ko alam, pero may balak yata sila daddy at mama na gawing sanctuario itong bahay namin. paano, bigla silang naadik sa pagbili ng sandamakmak na orchids at iba't iba pang klase ng bulaklak. bumili din sila ng iba't ibang hugis ng driftwood para sa mga halaman. at ngayon may mga ibon pa. sana sa susunod koala naman. o kaya panda. pero kung ako talaga ang papipiliin, penguin na lang sana o kaya polar bear. kailangan na naming lumipat ng bahay. sa north o kaya sa south pole.

ay oo nga pala, nakabili rin kami ng alamang. o yan, tama na ang pangalan. akala ko kasi ang tawag doon sa mga maliliit na hipon na ginagawang bagoong ay galunggong. haha. magkaiba pala yun. ang kailangan ko na lang na gawin ay patuyuin ang mga alamang na ito, dikdikin at ilagay sa garapon para magkaroon ng pinulbos na protina. sana talaga madali lang yun gawin. pero sabi ni daddy, mas madali daw yun pulbusin kaysa bilangin isa isa. at naniniwala naman ako sa kanya.

doon nagtatapos ang aking kwento. maliligo na ako dahil amoy isda na ako. :)

..::sugar rush::..

2006-07-22T17:54:00.000+06:30

i sat there, all alone, on one of the empty couches.

on one hand i held my cellphone, and on the other, my caramel java chip frappuccino.

all around me, couples sweet-talked over steaming macchiatos, officemates chatted animatedly over americanos, and casual friends shared gossip over mocha frappes and belgian waffles topped with strawberry sauce.

amid the chit-chat of the crowd, I heard a familiar song playing on the overhead radio.

'coz i can't get you out of my dreams...

now i know that you're the dangerous kind...

i knew the lyrics by heart.

as if in a trance, i drifted away into thoughts of him while absentmindedly playfully stirring the contents of the grande cup that i was holding...

and your smile is tattooed on my mind...

the sweetness of combined whipped cream and liquefied caramel was intoxicating. i felt bliss; it was as if the whole universe was comprised of just three things:

me,
my frappe,
and my thoughts of him.

i smiled.

somewhere in my distant state of consciousness, i heard someone shout:

"one grande vanilla affogato frappuccino for ... ^_^ ..."

i froze.

i felt my skin tingle as catecholamines surged throughout my peripheral network of nerves; my brain decided to launch my body into 'fight mode', and i found myself slowly shifting my seat and turning around to face the counter.

there he was: out of my fantasies, and into this cozy, noisy, jam-packed coffee shop. he smiled as the barista handed him his drink; he went to the bar, got a straw and a napkin and *is this for real?*emptied two packs of brown sugar onto his coffee - exactly the way i like to do mine.

after that, everything went in slow-motion.

he turned around, scanned the place for a seat, and set his sights to my direction. for a moment i doubted if the barista accidentally put a drop or so of some strong alcohol into my drink, for i felt as if my whole body was heating up so fast i could have gone into spontaneous combustion at any moment.

his eyes were on me, and i fought the urge to slap myself hard on the face just to check if i was still in the realm of reality.

he began to walk towards me. i felt as if i were whipped cream slowly melting into a cup of extremely hot latte.

"hi! is this seat taken?"

thank heavens for coffee. :D

sa may silong..

2006-06-25T20:34:00.000+06:30

5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

ayos, makakauwi na rin ako. biyernes na naman, may panahon na ulit para magpahinga. sigurado pagkauwi sa bahay, diretso na ako sa kama para matulog. gigising ng tanghali para mananghalian tapos matutulog ulit. t.g.i.f. talaga.

maulan ngayon, kaya hindi ko kinalimutang magdala ng payong. at tulad nga ng aking hinala, may namumuo nang mga ulap-ulan. hindi magtatagal ay bubuhos rin ang tubig na galing sa kalangitan, kasama nito ang matinding polusyon sa hangin, para lang umagos sa mga maruruming mga kalsada at magdulot ng matinding baha. mabuti nang makalabas ng maaga para hindi maabutan ng malakas na ulan at baha.

yehey, mas masarap matulog mamaya dahil malamig.

biniro ko pa si manong guard bago lumabas ng building. makulimlim na ang langit. malapit nang bumuhos ang ulan.

naramdaman ko agad ang unang pagpatak ng ulan sa aking braso. puno ng pagmamadali, tumakbo ako sa isang waiting shed sa may di-kalayuan. tamang-tama, bago pa tuluyang bumagsak ang tubig-ulan mula sa isang malaki at maitim na ulap ay nakapagtago na ako sa ilalim ng waiting shed na ito. ngayon, ang kailangan ko na lang na gawin ay maghintay ng dyip na maghahatid sa akin pauwi. marami namang dumaraan ditong dyip kaya sa ilang sandali lang ay siguradong makakasakay na ako.

limang dyip na ang nagdaan, wala pa ring ni isang nakapag-alok sa akin ng sakay. halos lahat, punuan. yung isa naman, hindi ko pwedeng sakyan dahil iba ang ruta. kung minamalas ka nga naman.pinasaya ko na lang ang sarili ko sa ideyang hindi pa ako nababasa, maraming salamat sa vaseline-colored waiting shed na ito.

kailan kaya ako makakasakay? *dum di rum dum dum*

sa may di kalayuan, nabanaagan ko ang isang anyong matagal ko nang hindi natatanaw.

naroon siya, nakatayo sa may kanto, nag-aabang ng masasakyan.

halatang hindi siya nakapagdala ng payong. inabutan siguro siya ng biglang pagbuhos ng ulan kaya't basang-basa siya ngayon. suot niya pa ang paborito kong polo shirt, na ngayo'y medyo kupas na. matagal na rin kaming hindi nagkikita kaya't nakakagulat na makikita ko pa siyang muli. noong huli kaming nagkausap, umuulan rin, pero naroon ako sa loob ng aking apartment at siya naman ay nasa bahay ng kanyang mga magulang.

oo, matagal na nga iyon. maraming bagay na rin akong nakalimutan.

tulad ng matinding sakit na naramdaman ko noong araw na iyon. parang isang damit na bagong laba, pakiramdam ko'y piniga ng isang mahusay na labandera ang puso ko matapos gamitan ng palo-palo at walang pakundangang isinampay sa may bakuran para makita ng lahat ng tao. ilang buwan akong hindi makakain ng maayos at ilang linggong walang tigil sa pag-iyak. dahil sa kanya.

pero wala na iyon ngayon, ang sabi ko sa aking sarili.

hindi niya siguro ako nakikita. malakas nga naman kasi ang buhos ng ulan at mukhang abalang-abala siya sa paghahanap ng masasakyan. at, oo nga pala. kung nakikita niya man ako ay mahirap siguro na makilala niya sapagka't maikli na ang aking buhok. madami na ang nagbago sa akin mula ng magkahiwalay kami.

mula sa aking kinatatayuan ay naramdaman ko ang pag-aalala. narito ako, tuyong-tuyo sa may silong, at naroon naman siya, basang basa, umaasang makakahanap ng masasakyan. naalala ko tuloy ang panahon na nilagnat siya dahil sa ulan. hindi ako nakatulog bagama't halos isa't kalahating araw siyang mahimbing na nakaidlip. sakitin talaga 'yang taong 'yan. at mamaya, siguradong magkakasakit siya dahil lubha siyang nabasa sa pesteng ulan na ito.

nilabas ko ang aking payong.

***
"bakit ka tumawag?" sabi niya.
hindi ako nakapagsalita.
"may problema ba?"
***

wala pa ring dyip na dumaraan.

***
"hindi ko alam kung paano ko ito sasabihin sa'yo," buong pag-aalinlangan kong sinabi.
"kung ano man iyon, sabihin mo na." may bahid ng takot sa kanyang tinig.
***

muli ko siyang tinitigan, at sa huling saglit, ako'y nagdalawang-isip.

***
"mahal kita, pero hindi ko alam kung maitutuloy ko pa ito. sa isang linggo na ang alis ko at hindi ko kayang iwan ka ng ganito. alam kong wala rin itong patutunguhan, kaya't ngayon pa lang ay pinalalaya na kita."
***

nandito ako, sa silong. naroon siya, sa ilalim ng napakalakas na ulan. minahal niya ako ng lubos, ngunit hindi ko iyon pinahalagahan. iniwan ko siya sapagka't inakala kong ito lang ang paraan para maging madali ang aking pag-alis. hindi ko inakalang sa pagpunta ko doon ay maiiwan dito ang puso ko, sa kanya. matapos ang isa't kalahating taon ng paghihirap doon sa ibang bansa, bumalik ako dito sa Pilipinas. subalit dahil sa kahihiyan, ni minsan ay hindi ko siya nagawang puntahan, o tawagan man lang.

tanaw na tanaw ko ang lalaking matagal ko nang minahal. basang basa na siya, at nandoon sa kanyang mga kamay ang aking puso na basang basa na rin ngayon. para akong pinalunok ng mainit na kape habang pinagmamasdan ko siya - kamusta na kaya siya ngayon? at para akong binuhusan ng kumukulong tubig kasabay ng pagdaan ng isa pang punong dyip - mahal pa rin kaya niya ako?

sa sandaling iyon ay kumilos ako ng walang pag-aalinlangan. binuksan ko ang aking payong at naghandang lumusong sa baha. wala na akong ibang ninais kundi ang makasama siya sa sandaling ito upang muli, matapos ang matagal nang panahon, ay maibalik sa akin ang aking puso. ilang hakbang lang at makakasama ko na siyang muli. wala nang hiya hiya, mahal ko siya. ni kailanman ay hindi nagbago iyon. tinitigan ko siyang muli at muling nagbalik sa akin ang pakiramdam ng kanyang mga bisig, ang init ng kanyang mga kamay, ang lalim ng kanyang paghinga - mga bagay na tiniis kong hindi maramdaman sa loob ng napakahabang panahon.

makakasama ko na siyang muli.

patawid na ako, nakalublob na ang parehong paa ko sa baha. nang biglang may babaeng lumabas mula sa isang sulok na hindi ko kaagad nakita. basa na rin siya, subalit kita kong hindi siya gaanong nabasa bagama't malakas ang ulan. tumakbo siya't tinabihan ang lalaking nakatayo at nagaabang ng dyip na masasakyan. nang makita siya ng lalaki, agad siya nitong niyakap, tinakpan ang ulo at pinayuko. animo'y gagawin ng lalaking ito ang lahat, huwag lang mabasa ang babaeng nasa kanyang mga bisig.

pumarada ang dyip sa tapat ng waiting shed na kinatatayuan ko. kitang-kita ko sila, yakap-yakap niya ang isa habang nilulusong ang baha patungo sa tanging sasakyang ito. ipinagdasal ko na sana'y huwag nila akong makita, mukhang tanga - nakalublob ang mga paa sa baha, hawak hawak ang payong, ngunit hindi malaman kung ano ang gagawin. sa huli'y nainip na ang drayber at iniwan na ako. ni hindi ko man lamang nagawang sakyan ang dyip na maghahatid sa akin sa aking tinutuluyan. sa ngayon, nawala sa katawan ko ang pagnanais na matulog. nakatigil lang sa aking isipan ang eksenang iyon - masaya silang magkayakap sa ilalim ng bumubuhos na ulan. naroon sila, basang basa, at narito ako - nakalubog ang mga paa sa maruming baha, subalit tuyong-tuyo maliban doon. tuyong-tuyo, gusto ko nang mamatay.

sinarado ko ang aking payong at naglakad pauwi. sa ganitong paraan, hindi mahahalata ang aking mga luha.

: (

adeek kay paulo :p

2006-06-16T18:01:00.000+06:30

pers taym kong gamitin ang word na adeek in that format sa buong blogging career ko...
all the while ay inakala kong si k-mar lang ang may karapatang gumamit ng term na 'yan..
naisip ko nga dati na kung nasa pbb house kaming dalawa ni k-mar at tinanong ako ni big brother kung ano ang favorite expression ni k-mar, hindi ako magkakaroon ng second thoughts na sabihin ang word na 'adeek', in the true k-mar fashion, complete with intonation [hi k-mar!]...

***

grabe paulo, sobrang saya ko talaga pag kasama kita.
hindi ko makakalimutan ang pagkakataon na ipakilala ka sa akin ng malapit kong kaibigan, at mula pa noong panahon na iyon ay hindi ka na naalis sa isip ko.

maraming beses mo na akong pinaluha, oo. pero sa bawat pagpatak ng luha ko ay ang paglundag sa kasiyahan ng aking kaluluwa. tinuruan mo akong pahalagahan ang aking sarili pati na rin ang mga taong minamahal ko. nagawa kong lumago sa iba't ibang paraan, bagama't malabo nang mangyari na lumago pa ako sa pisikal na aspeto.

dahil sa'yo, lubusan na akong naniniwala sa mga anghel. pinatunayan mo sa akin na hinding-hindi ako magiisa, sapagka't sa bawat sandali ng aking buhay ay nariyan lang sila sa aking tabi: gumagabay at nangangalaga.

sakripisyo. pagpapatawad. hindi ko inakala na ang mga salitang ito ay magkakaroon ng ibang kahulugan para sa akin. noon, marinig o mabasa ko lang ang mga salitang iyan ay bumibigat na ang pakiramdam ko. ngayon, bukas-loob ko nang tinatanggap sa aking sarili na kung nais ko talagang magmahal ng walang pagaalinlangan ay kailangan kong magsakripisyo at magpatawad, dahil sa kahit anong klase ng pagmamahal na nais kong gawin ay kailangan ko talagang magbigay ng isang parte ng aking sarili. kung ano man ang gawin ng minamahal ko sa parteng iyon, durog-durugin niya man ito o balewalain, tatanggapin ko, sapagka't tulad ng sabi mo, mas darami ang alaala ko sa mundo kung mas maraming piraso ng aking sarili ang naipamigay ko sa maraming tao. pero tulad din ng lahat ng bagay na hindi perpekto, masasaktan ako sa bawat pagdurog ng aking sarili at luluha ako sa bawat pagkakamali. pagpapatawad lang ang makapagbabalik sa akin ng dati kong lakas at ng kaligayahan sa pagtamo ng bagong pag-ibig.

mula ngayon, ipinapangako ko sa'yo na saan man ako magpunta ay dadalhin ko ang alaala mo sa aking puso.
magkasama tayo sa bawat pangarap na aking makakamit, at sa bawat bagong pagibig na dadaan sa aking buhay.

paulo, maraming salamat.

uh, grief...

2006-04-30T09:58:00.000+06:30

ahaii...

some things just aren't meant to be...

tulad ng pagstay ni aldred *crush* sa PBB house...

at ang patuloy kong panonood ng show na iyon...

oh well, i can't blame him... cguro kung ako yung nasa kalagayan niya, i would feel the same...

pero i still admire him despite the fact na nagquit siya kaagad.
ehehehe... :)

-=ohmigash!=- wat is dis?

2006-04-28T21:30:00.000+06:30

oh no. isang malaking oh no.

akala ko nakukyutan lang talaga ako sa kanya.

hindi lang pala hanggang duon yun.

oh no talaga...

hwahahaha

tawagin mo na akong jolog (oo, walang s dahil isa lang ako, singular form yan) pero crush ko si aldred gatchalian ng PBB... wahehe talga... at naaamaze ako sa mga ikinikilos ko dahil just a while ago [and i think up to now] eh sobrang kinoconsider ko ang option na gumawa ng anything just to make sure that aldred stays inside the PBB house... (but since may self-respect pa ako khit paano ay hindi ko na iddivulge ang mga measures na naisip ko)... shock talaga... hehe... and to think mas bata yata siya sa akin. maybe i want him to stay because i want to see more of him on tv *(para mas ma-engganyo akong manood ng PBB)* or maybe because i really think that he's one of the most deserving people to become the big winner... but if p is true and q is true then (p U q) must be true... oo na, kras ko na sya... wahehe tlga parang siopao. kahit di naman ako kumakain nun... :p

o diba angkuleet ko? patawad. :)

i really want aldred to stay in the PBB house...
pero kung mg-vovoluntary exit xa, i can't do anything! oh no! :(

hwaa. i feel so helpless... and stupid..

*ang cute nya talaga. mabait pa. at valedictorian pa siya. magaling pa magluto.*
-ohnodeane,whatishappeningtoyou?-

post script:

~after eons, ngayon lang ulit ako nag-exert ng effort na magpunta sa website ng isang media network para magdownload ng pic ng isang person... at tignan ang info tungkol sa kanya... fyi lang, si miko samson ng g-mik ang huli kong ginawan ng ganito at suuuper tagal na nun sobra... pero mejo crush ko pa rin si miko up to now... although i don't know kung nasaan na siya o kung kumakain ba siya ng siopao ngayon...

:)

2006-04-28T21:23:00.001+06:30

--=Lubang=--

2006-04-28T21:23:00.000+06:30

.home.

2006-04-28T21:22:00.001+06:30

.:beach:.

2006-04-28T21:22:00.000+06:30

.landscape.

2006-04-28T21:20:00.000+06:30

g0od morning vigo!!! :)

2006-04-28T21:19:00.000+06:30

daughter of the sea... ahehehe :)

2006-04-28T21:18:00.000+06:30

every morning, we jog, exercise, and then gather seashells... :)

2006-04-28T21:11:00.000+06:30

sarap mag-jogging sa beach! :)

2006-04-28T21:09:00.000+06:30

sayawan blues...

2006-04-28T21:08:00.000+06:30

--gorgeous gals-- napagod sa sayawan...

2006-04-28T16:31:00.000+06:30

special guests sa coronation ng ms. vigo... :)

2006-04-28T16:30:00.000+06:30

on the road to dangay... para mamiyesta... :)

2006-04-28T16:29:00.000+06:30

mga bakasyonista...

2006-04-28T16:28:00.000+06:30

yummy! [carlos joaquin inigo]

2006-04-28T16:27:00.001+06:30

beach buddies...

2006-04-28T16:27:00.000+06:30

bangka.

2006-04-28T16:26:00.000+06:30

papunta sa plaza to support the vigo players in the basketball match... go go go!

2006-04-28T16:25:00.001+06:30

yaknie...

2006-04-28T16:25:00.000+06:30

yachuy...

2006-04-28T16:24:00.000+06:30

yummy :) and tita deane...

2006-04-28T16:23:00.000+06:30

all geared up for the night swimming... special thanks to l.a. and maynard for coming with us... galing niyo tumugtog sobra! :)

2006-04-28T16:15:00.001+06:30

bonfire at the beach...

2006-04-28T16:15:00.000+06:30

night swimming with friends and titas... see if you can find me there!

2006-04-28T16:13:00.000+06:30

silhouette ... a la charlie's angels :p

2006-04-28T16:12:00.000+06:30

that is what we have to cross to get to the river...

2006-04-28T16:11:00.000+06:30

ready... set... dive!

2006-04-28T16:10:00.000+06:30

.:splash:.

2006-04-28T16:09:00.000+06:30

the three of us... excited mag-swimming... :)

2006-04-28T16:08:00.000+06:30

note: that thing i'm holding is half a coconut shell (in tagalog, bao) and that's what we used as our soup bowls... :p

2006-04-28T16:07:00.000+06:30

picnic... malapit sa ilog... :)

2006-04-28T16:06:00.000+06:30

matapos ang pag-iilog... sayang, la kami tan lines... :) hehe

2006-04-21T14:48:00.000+06:30

a morning of seashell gathering with the pamangkins. (L-R,T-B) yachnie, deane, krysel, keeshia, yachuy, kris-anne and yummy... i miss them sooo much already...

2006-04-21T14:46:00.000+06:30

last day: we knew we had to make the most out of it, so we slipped on our bathing suits and headed for a last feel of the great blue waves...

2006-04-21T14:41:00.000+06:30

as the sun sets to usher in dark blue skies, it dawns upon us that our trip to lubang is almost over. :(

.. paradise ..

2006-03-28T14:46:00.000+06:30

this photo was taken in one of the beaches of Lubang... :)

yipee!!!

we'll be going to the province!!!

in Mindoro, there's a very little island named

Lubang...

and that's where I'll be spending two weeks this summer...

hooray! :)

iloveitloveitloveitloveit!!!

au revoir cluttered, noisy, polluted manila!

i'm off to paradise... :D

on the other side

2006-03-19T17:01:00.000+06:30

it was a dark, chilly night.

the gas lamp flickers, and the room fades into semi-darkness...

as i sit in grandmother's rocking chair, i hear a voice..

it's calling me...

hastily, i stand up, run to my room, and proceed to the oak drawers.

he misses me, i hear myself say, and i feel the blood rise up to my cheeks.

slowly, as if to burden myself with the thrill of more excitement, i pull the second drawer..

there it is.

i take the mirror out, brush it gently with my hands, look into it, and say:

"here i am, dear friend. you called for me?"

a vortex of colors appears on the glass, and once more, after a long three days, my friend appears.

"i missed you," he says. and i smile. "how have you been?"

i tell him that i've been doing fine, and as i again witness that brilliant glow in his eyes, i feel the urge to say:

"i missed you so much."

but my inhibitions won't allow me, so i begin to do what i always do - i talk to him casually, asking him about his day, his family and his thoughts. it's been almost two years since i've known him, yet i feel like there's so much more to him than what i've already learned.

but what i do know is that:

*his unique gentleness makes me feel safe - safe enough to tell him everything. well, almost everything.

*his wonderful intelligence and philosophies amuse me, and make me look forward to our next conversation.

*his silent vulnerability makes me care for him so much that not a day passes without a single thought of him on my mind.

*his understanding, truthfulness and compassion simply make my heart melt.

and for this, i've grown to appreciate all that he is, and all that he means to me.

at times, i wish i could sit there next to him, stare into his eyes and say: 'i care for you so much.'

whenever he tells me of his problems, i crave to embrace him, and let him cry on my shoulder.

i long to see what he sees, to watch the sunset right beside him.

but i know that it could never happen..

for he exists on the other side of my mirror, and his time is far different from mine. we can never see sunsets together, for our suns do not set at the same time.

i can never embrace him, sit next to him, or simply feel the warmth that he exudes.

we exist in different sides of that mirror, and that thin sheet of reflective glass is the only thing that enables us to 'be' with each other.

i sure hope and pray that someday, under the workings of the deepest and greatest magic there is, i can get to be with him...

on the other side.

~this is for you, and this is my way of saying "i forgive you" :)

parasympathetic innervation

2006-03-12T20:43:00.000+06:30

need sleep. quick.

eyes tired,

eyelids drooping.

tomorrow's start of hell week.

~not to worry

i'm used to it (uhuh)

so

then

good night

and good luck to my life. :)

ciao!

2006-02-26T20:36:00.002+06:30

p.s. we're not drunk anymore... :)

2006-02-26T20:36:00.001+06:30

the dawn of the lei... :)

2006-02-26T20:36:00.000+06:30

now that's me drunk.. haha :p

2006-02-26T20:35:00.000+06:30

good morning luau people! :)

2006-02-26T20:34:00.000+06:30

do i look drunk? no really...

2006-02-26T20:32:00.000+06:30

gorgeous gals

2006-02-26T20:31:00.001+06:30

close-up, anyone?

2006-02-26T20:31:00.000+06:30

whew... don't tell my mom but i got really drunk there (thanks to alvin, b.i.)...

2006-02-26T20:30:00.000+06:30

two of the sisterhood and five of the circle... at it's luau party... :)

2006-02-26T20:29:00.000+06:30

with the debutant... love ya dear!

2006-02-26T20:28:00.000+06:30

eian, me, tita, eve and james...

2006-02-19T20:58:00.000+06:30

this show ROCKS big time.

nothings.

2006-02-18T20:19:00.000+06:30

what i thought would be a productive day turned out... well, quite the opposite.

i woke up at 7 am with this goal in mind: "study, study, study!"

it's 9:57 pm and i haven't even covered a quarter of my notes. argh!

i hate this! i really do.

***

i had coffee from seattle's best a while ago.

at first i was exhilarated. being a starbuck's junkie for quite some time now, it felt really exciting for me to see the flavors that other coffee shops had. so i tried on their almond mocha latte, or whatever it was called. it sounded great, specially because it said on the list that it had some coconut flavor in it... hmm... coconut and coffee? interesting.

apparently, sounds deceive just as much as appearances do.

it was too sweet for me, i guess. or the coconut part of it just didn't seem to agree with the stoichiometry of my gastric juices. there it goes. my stomach's rumbling again.. pardon me, my dear friends. haha. :)

***

it's real funny when things such as coincidence make you wonder so hard that you end up saying to yourself: "why am i even thinking about this stuff? it's just coincidence, isn't it?"

what i feel right now is too messed up for words. ;)

***
~ i need to get help real quick. this clairvoyance stuff isn't doing me any good. i'm halfway between seeing things that are not supposed to be there and seeing things that i shouldn't see. kpao! so what now? i'm a telepath as well? what's worse, a telepath of dead people! oh no. i must be out of my mind. ;c

~ does anybody know when the next season of house and numb3rs is going to be aired in axn? i absolutely loove those shows.

~ i hate landslides. [oh wait, let me rephrase that.] i hate the people who illegally cut up trees. [that's still wrong. ] i hate people who destroy mother nature just to make a living. [is that it? i don't think so] fine! i hate poverty and destruction and the government and all these useless deaths, all these accusations, all this sham! --- okay, okay. i got a bit emotional because of what happened in leyte. (and also what happened in ultra) i couldnt bear seeing all those dead bodies exposed on television as if they were really some sight to see. i can't understand why so many people have to die such pathetic deaths. no offense there, but.. if you were given a chance to choose, what kind of death do you want to have? do you want to die in your sleep? do you want to die in a car crash? do you want to die a hero? for me, i'm still not sure on the exact way that i want to die, but i certainly do not want to die because i fell off the 25th floor of a building, or because of suffocation in a stampede. nor do i want to die a hero. does jose rizal get any flowers during november 1? i don't really know, but i don't think so.

~ i like to sing. but i really feel like my voice is starting to fail me. i've been singing since i was two and a half years old, i've had vocal training for four years, and now i'm starting to feel like i've used my voice too much, or i've done real bad in caring for my voice (well what do you expect? i'm a sucker for ice cream and frappes!). i really feel disappointed. the only good thing is that i'm back to singing in church again. bad thing is, my acads won't let me have enough time for choir practice. argh. can't wait for the summer. oh and another bummer. we have classes during the summer. so much for that long-awaited trip to wonderful bacolod. and boracay. :(

~ hwaaa~
-- started reading the chronicles of narnia a few days after i watched the movie. it's so great!!! i love the books, especially the third one. i always get the chills whenever i read the parts where the allegories come into play. it's soo nice. i can't wait to read the fifth book.

~ oh, look. it's already 11 pm and i still haven't done any studying! hurrahs for me! :[

~ okay. i'll stop typing and start getting some work done before i succumb to the temptation that my bed is now offering me.

-- i bet that comforter would be really good for my backache. .. stop it. stop it.

i'm done with this blog entry. i'm gonna stop typing. now.

now.

now.

now.

now.

okay. now.

good night to you. it's another sleepless night for me. :)

2006-02-17T07:32:00.000+06:30

tres marias... ;)

2006-02-17T07:28:00.000+06:30

me and krystel (our grandma's 75th bday celebration)

2006-02-17T07:27:00.000+06:30

it and me at the debut... [punctual and beautiful] :p

2006-02-17T07:23:00.000+06:30

james and me... (circle & sisterhood) :)

2006-02-17T07:22:00.000+06:30

sisterhood at eve's debut... gorgeous! :)

the empress

2006-02-01T06:27:00.000+06:30

as she sat down on her daybed she took in the beauty of all that she has created.

a magnificent empire,

a wealthy kingdom,

loyal subordinates,

loving people.

she has worked so hard to achieve all this,
and it made her proud.

but what was missing?

how come she feels so empty?

the great seer made his prescence known in the palace.

he always knows just when the empress needs him.

"what bothers your majesty?" he asked.

"i am lonely" she said, in as much dignity as she still can put to these words.

"aah, and i know just why"

"do you think i would ever find the one?"

the seer closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and said:

"as i have prophesized, my queen, you will conquer everything --

you would have all that you have ever dreamed of and more--

you will reign over a multitude of loyal followers

and your name will be known throughout many kingdoms...

but there is one thing that i have not yet told you--

for the right time comes only now.

the empress will conquer everything, everything...

except love"

and the seer let himself out of the queen's chamber.

the empress stared once more into the lush magnificence of her kingdom,

and felt as if it meant nothing at all.

ashes...

2006-01-24T16:15:00.000+06:30

she never knew her grandfather.

she never heard him laugh or speak,

never saw him smile,

never felt his long arms and warm hands around her.

never felt that he cared.

never.

she lived in that situation for sixteen years.

she grew up accepting the fact that she can never feel what it is to have a grandfather. one dead, and the other...

****

her mom received a phone call early in the morning. she could hear her mom's voice but she was still very sleepy. but being the curious person that she was, she eavesdropped for a moment, faking her sleep.

somehow, the natural wisdom of a mother when it comes to identifying whether her children are faking things or not was fully activated that day. so her mother told her, in a tender but shaky voice, "your grandfather died last night."

---

she knew she was crying. it was not the occasional tears that you get when your lacrimal glands get pressured and secrete fluid when close your eyes for too long, such as when you sleep; it was the kind of tears produced by the lacrimal glands when it gets triggered by powerful emotions such as pain, anger, sadness or extreme happiness. the only problem is, she didn't know why she was crying.

in fact, she didn't know what she felt.

or what she was supposed to feel.

it was all a confusing mixture of emotions:

first, she was angry. she was angry because her grandfather never cared for her. she knew that, because everytime her grandparents call, it was always just to speak with their son to ask for money. there was never any effort to talk with 'the kids'. and so there was never any expectation on 'the kids' part that their grandparents would ever send them gifts for Christmas. less expectations means fewer disappointments, after all.

second, she was worried about what her father's reaction would be when he learns about it. her father probably hasn't heard the news yet, for he was very far away...

third, she felt this something in her that didn't want her to feel anything at all. she thought that it wasn't stated in the rule of life that you have to be sad, even cry when one of your relatives die. she thought that maybe it was okay if she did not care at all. people die anyway.

~
that night, her mom told her a story.

"you were nine months old when we had a vacation to your grandparents' house at the province. they were very very glad to see you, especially your grandfather. he was always carrying you, and although he knew that you could barely hear him, he was constantly talking to you, about his experiences when he was young, and how he loved the smell of ripe mangoes - just like you. i would never forget the way he reacted when you had the flu and you wouldn't stop crying. it was really late but he went out to search the whole town for a doctor. he never cooled down until you were sleeping."

--- she never knew that her grandfather cared for her until that night. all her life, she believed that her grandfather never loved her, never even knew her name. she cried and cried, but this time she knew why. she was sad because she realized that she could have done a lot of things to communicate with her grandparents. she shouldn't have let anger get in the way. she should have sent them letters to ask them how they were. she should have asked her father if she could speak to them on the phone. she could have done a lot of things, but they can never be done now. it's too late. if she had only been brave and understanding enough, she could have felt what it's like to grow up having a grandfather. :(

***
her dad's brother told them that 'lolo's' ashes will be sent sometime soon.

for the first time in her life, she can really see her grandfather.
***

post script:

*will you wait 'til it's too late before you let a person know that you love him/her?*

anatomicality ?

2006-01-21T23:54:00.000+06:30

news flash: i have two anatomy&physiology exams this coming monday and tuesday.

for some reason, i couldn't get myself to memorize the different anatomical terms for the different parts of the body.

so i devised a way to get all this stuff inside my head without having to inject them intravenously. i made strips of paper with the different anatomical terms written in each of them and since i had no life-size poster of a human body here, i asked the people in this house to stand still while i stick the bits of paper to their corresponding parts. i only removed them when i was sure that i've memorized all of them (and it took a pretty long time, i tell you). it's a really good thing that all of them were such sports that they didn't mind looking really funny with all those paper bits attached to their faces and to other parts of their body. thanks, you guys. it helped me a lot.

1st list of terms to memorize done, a hundred more to go.

good luck to my life. :}

you might be thinking: "why the heck do i have to memorize all this stuff?"

the answer is, i have this as one of two options, the other being failing my Nursing 3 laboratory exam. so, it's 48 hours of no sleep, just pure studying in store for yours truly. wonderful, isn't it?

bear with me then if i don't show signs of existence for the next few days in my blog. oh, and if you would very kindly do so, please pray that i, including my batchmates, get through this alive. fine, i mean.

ciao! :)

2006-01-17T18:33:00.000+06:30

hwaaa... suuper toxic. hope i get through this just fine (still alive, i mean). :)

when you say nothing... at all.

2006-01-17T16:02:00.000+06:30

They married in Paris as war fugitives.
During their first day as newlyweds, he did not speak to her,
as a form of silence vow, but she did not know this and her heart clenched.
He never spoke her first name, that being identical to his mother's.

He only said it once.

He was dying.

In Yiddish, he asked for her hand. She gave him one.
"No. Both hands."

He said her name.
"Sura'leh." Just like that.

Hoarse and whispered, and its impact was a collective ovation stretch of every synapse in her system, but tinged with a mortal sadness that turned ecstasy into a drowning flung shiver. It was heat and cold at the same time. It was equal parts sadness and joy, perfectly balanced to create a new entity that hadn't existed before.

"Sura'leh. I love you."
For the first time, when he was dying.

-dee
http://featherweighters.blogspot.com//

-=sing me something new=-

2006-01-12T16:39:00.002+06:30

I'm swimming in pasty waters, drunken flowers
Leftovers of some great king's meal
Sobbing through noisy rackets, mellow riots
A branch stuck in a bicycle's wheel

Oh, could someone please just bring me home?
Cus I've been stuck in this isle burnt in a fire
Brought it on my own
This song will last forever unless someone comes and
Sings me something new

And then I heard you
Will you bring back all the things that I have failed?
My inner smile
My inner peace
The so-called happiness
Cus if you do
Then maybe I could love you
Then maybe I could know

I'm running through rotten petals, rusty medals
Seventies suits and moth-eaten shoes
Playing roulette with beelzebub
Feeding the strange hope that I will not lose

Oh, could someone please just bring me home?
Cus I've been stuck in this isle burnt in a fire
Brought it on my own
This song will last forever unless someone comes and
Sings me something new

And then I heard you
Will you bring back all the joy that I once held?
My inner smile
My inner peace
The so-called happiness
Cus if you do
Then maybe I could love you
Then maybe I could know

Maybe I could love you
Maybe you could change the way I feel

Sssshhhhhh

There was a time I wouldn't hesitate
There was a time I wouldn't be afraid, unafraid
But now these voices in my head

(Trouble)

They're singing me songs of warnings and fears
They're singing my losses they're singing my tears
They're spelling me curses for the things I did

(Trouble)

Oh but it feels, it feels so strong
Oh it feels like you could be the one
You'll quiet these little monsters down

Yeah
Will you bring these little monsters to the ground?
Make me free, safe and sound

(I know you can put these little monsters to the ground)

- david fonseca

sweet somethings...

2006-01-11T19:38:00.000+06:30

maybe life isn't as demented as i [sometimes] think it is...

for one, you've made me smile...

a hundred times today.

i hope it'll be like this - always.

but i'm afraid you'll never know.

'coz i have no plans of telling you...

- i'm scared...

of assuming too much

and getting too little.

so it has to go on like this.

me in the shadows,

silent.
unfelt.
forever wondering what lies beneath you.

just wondering.

hoping someday, by some chance

i can make you smile...

a hundred times as well. :)

falling apart

2006-01-08T23:19:00.000+06:30

i have always believed in destiny. maybe it's the subconscious refuge i take whenever i get troubled by the fact that nothing is in my hands. through time, i have been exposed to different views and to different experiences which have all inspired me to think that there indeed exists something like free will, but as i am a happy-go-lucky person most of the time, my beliefs tend to be ephemeral - yes, fleeting. and so this newfound faith in the your-life-is-yours-and-yours-alone-so-do-something-about-it principle couldn't be called faith at all. the moment something terrible happens, i start blaming destiny. i guess it feels much better for me to project my rage on to some inanimate, intangible object than accept the fact that i am a loser; that i had become so foolish; that i had simply made a huge mistake; that once more, as i have experienced multiple times in my life, i neglected to take hold of things before they all drifted swiftly away from my unknowing hands. it is easier to believe that this is all part of the grand design. every challenge, every problem, every outcome is planned, and there is no point in arguing or trying to change things. i can just be here and exist but not matter at all. i can be alive, but all the same, lifeless.

to me now, life is this never-ending gamble. the dice gets rolled and my day is in play. if i'm lucky then i'll get this predetermined type of situations that will make my day go on just fine. if not, then i can just go ahead and curse the dealer. but even if 'he' quits and tells me: 'it's your life, go roll your own dice then,' everything's still the same. only now i have noone else to blame but myself whenever the dots just don't add up to an ideal number. i gamble with my time, my energy and my life. one bad day and i think: 'it can't get any worse. at least i still have tomorrow.'

we humans are so stupid. at least those who think like me are stupid. i hate it.

i always get fascinated by the idea that love can do many amazing things. for one, it can make someone's life meaningful. it can bring instant joy and comfort to the person who feels it. magnifico. love makes the world go round. all you need is love.

love is soooo overrated.

there's no wonder why people would spend most of their lives trying to find love. why else would dating games, personality ads, soulmate finders and online dating be so popular nowadays? it's because people think that the moment they find love, everything would fall into place. *tada!* and there goes another fairy tale. pathetic. people go crazy pushing themselves into the lives of other people in the hopes that they would click and live happily ever after. some waste all their energies trying to mend relationships which they themselves know are going nowhere. some are forced to settle on something less - something they don't deserve. and so what people really find themselves in is this depressing state of disappointment. it could have been love... it could have been us... it could have been forever... instead of being whole, you shatter into pieces, and no matter how long it takes for you to patch everything up, there still is a big part of you that's missing. you begin to think that maybe love is this 'missing thing' and the cycle begins all over again.

i hate it when i feel like this. i'm usually an ideal thiker/optimist but it's times like this when it really feels good to go and blast the world off into smithereens. embarrassing enough to tell you this, i'm in this state of desperation. just like those stupid, crazy prats i've been talking to you about - i tried to find love, thought i had it, and ended up disappointed. and here i am, feeling as empty as ever, thinking that love would be the solution to this misery. but i feel like i'm chasing something that's bound to evade me forever. i know this is a bit of an exagerration, but to me now, having a broken heart is better than having an empty one.

i want to fall in love, but in desperately wanting so, i'm causing myself to fall apart. :(

Una...

2006-01-08T08:50:00.000+06:30

naaalala mo pa ba ang pinaka-una mong crush?

ako, oo. at mind you, nursery pa lang ako noong mangyari iyon.

nakakapagtaka kung bakit hindi ko pa rin siya nalimutan mula noong panahon na yun. paano ba naman kasi, siya ang first crush ko. at kung sa edad namin na iyon ay may ideya na kami tungkol sa mga boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, siguro siya na rin ang first boyfriend ko. haha. o diba, ang landi ng lola mo.

naaalala ko pa ang buo niyang pangalan, pero hindi ko na maalala ang hitsura niya. ang naaalala ko na lang ay yung mga panahon na sabay kaming nag-aaral ng skip counting at hinihintay niya na masundo ako bago siya umuwi. o diba ang sweet? para sa akin noon, best friend ko siya. paano ba naman, nililibre niya ako parati ng slush puppy tuwing recess. tapos pinagtatanggol niya ako sa mga nang-aaway sakin. at nung minsan pa nga, hinintay niya ako sa loob ng halos 30 minutes sa labas ng clinic sa kainitan ng araw para lang malaman kung okay na ako. waaa, ngayon na naiiisip ko na ang mga bagay na ito, tinatanong ko sa aking sarili: kamusta na kaya siya?

ayos talaga ang friendster. biruin mo, matapos ang 12 years ay nakita ko ulit ang first crush ko.

wala siyang pic na solo kaya hindi ko ma-decipher kung sino siya sa mga taong nasa mga pics na iyon. sigurado akong account niya iyon dahil nakalagay sa isa sa mga testimonials niya ang buo niyang pangalan. walang duda. at pareho pa kami ng pinag-pre-schoolan.

nakakakaba.

hindi ko alam kung i-aadd ko siya. anong sasabihin ko sa kanya? "add me 'coz you were my first crush and i know that i was yours too.."? haha. malay ko ba kung kilala niya pa rin ako. sana naman hindi niya pa rin ako nakalimutan.

masaya nga siguro kung magiging kaibigan ko siya ulit. pero sa loob ng 12 years, sa tingin niyo, naaalala pa rin kaya niya ako?

2006-01-07T19:27:00.000+06:30

i really like this picture... i got this from a chinese website while i was trying to find a background for my blog. :p ciao!

.::.adventure flick: the Bambang brigade.::.

2006-01-07T18:59:00.002+06:30

January 6, 2006

comfortable jeans --- check
white blouse (to keep cool) --- check
rubber shoes --- check
money --- check
list of materials --- check

Mukha ba akong excited? Hindi naman masyado. Kung OA man ang lahat ng ito, (tulad ng sabi ni Jeanne) patawad. Bakit ba? Excited lang naman ako. Pers taym kong pupunta sa lugar na ito at para sa akin ay isa itong adventure. Kaya naman kagabi pa lang ay inihanda ko na ang mga kailangang dalhin (except yung listahan) at pinilit kong huwag kalimutan na humingi ng maraming pera sa nanay ko. Siyempre, kailangan ko ng financial backing at hindi ko maaacomplish ang expedition na ito kung walang datung. Ayos. Ayan na. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng PE class ay tumungo na agad kami sa LRT. At nagulat ako dahil bagamat ako ay isang true blue Manileña na sanay sa pagdidyip o kaya’y paghahatid-sundo ng magulang, wala nang makatatawag sa akin na isang ignorante pagdating sa pagsakay ng LRT. O ha, kaya ko nang pumasok dun sa mga stiles nang hindi natatrap. Kaya ko na ring tumagal sa loob ng tren ng hindi humahawak dun sa safety bars. Achievement talaga. Kulang na lang, ma-memorize ko yung mga istasyon. Pero natututunan naman yun, don’t wori.

Bakit ampanget ng description ni Jeanne sa akin ng Bambang? Mukha naman pala siyang maayos. In fairness, mas gusto ko ang Bambang kaysa sa Recto. Kaysa sa Divisoria. Kaysa sa Quiapo. No offense sa mga taong life passion ang pumunta sa mga lugar na kasasabi ko lang. Sabihin na lang natin na tulad ng tao, may unique characteristics at purposes ang bawat lugar na sinabi ko. Ang Recto, lugar na hanapan ng mga lumang libro. Ang Divisoria, langit ng mga nagtitipid at masipag maglakad, maghanap, umikot-ikot at makipagsiksikan. Ang Quiapo naman, lugar na kumpulan ng mga taong iba-iba ang nature ng beliefs. May mga masipag magdasal at magsimba, may mga manghuhula, may mga nagbebenta ng pamparegla, ng anting-anting at marami pang ibang bagay. Pero ang Bambang, sikat na bilihan ng mga medical supplies at mga kung anu-ano pang mga abubot na related sa ganoong topic. Kaya naman dito kami sumugod para bumili ng mga materials para sa Chemistry Laboratory subject namin.

Pagbaba na pagbaba ko sa istasyon ng Bambang, ang una kong naisip ay: “di naman kaya nalulugi ang mga shop dito?” Paano ba naman, magkakatapat at magkakatabi lang ang mga medical supplies store doon! Tapos may Mercury Drug pang umeentra. Aba, napakatindi ng kumpetisyon dito!

Haha. Hahahaha. Ang sarap ng feeling na nambabarat ka ng tindera. Isipin mo, yung 25 pesos sa isang store, nakuha lang namin ng limampiso sa kabila!!! Ayus talaga yun. Siyempre, dahil nga mga Iskolar kami ng Bayan (batuhin ang mayabang. *toink*) nakaisip kami ng paraan para maisahan ang mga tindera doon. Siyempre nga naman dahil sa dami ng bentahan doon kailangan nilang babaan yung presyo ng supplies na hinahanap namin na meron naman ang lahat sila. Haha. Kaya napamura pa kami sa maraming aspeto ng aming pamimili. Kung may award sa kabaratan, siguradong makukuha na iyon ng grupo namin.

Isa pa sa mga magagandang bagay na kinahinatnan ng adventure trip na ito ay ang lalo pang pagkakabuklod naming mga magkakasama. Nakakagulat nga dahil hindi naman kami talaga isang barkada, hindi rin kami ganun ka-close. Napataon lang na masisipag talaga kami at kung kailan bukas na kailangan, saka pa lang kami bibili. Hehe. Kaya naman lahat kami, nagtulong-tulong na para mapadali yung trabaho. Paano ba naman, dalawang oras lang ang panahon na puede naming gamitin. May klase pa kaming susunod.

Ang saya talaga nung pakiramdam na dahil sa mga combined na ka-effortan naming lahat ay natapos naman namin with time to spare ang task na kinailangan naming i-complete. Hindi ko talaga makakalimutan ang todo to the max na pambabarat strategies na naisip namin, ang pagdidivide namin ng labor, ang pagpupulong namin sa aming makeshift kuta, at ang LRT ride papunta at pabalik mula sa Bambang. Sigurado akong babalik pa kami doon. Pero kahit na hindi ko na yun first time, for sure ay ma-eexcite pa rin ako para sa panibago nanamang adventure doon sa Bambang.

P.S.: May pink kaming toolbox na worth 95 pesos lang. May ganyan ba sa handyman? :p

Credits:

Jeanne, ate Pouch, ate Gaile, K-mar, Kax, Joan, Tifanny at Ayeen:

Mga kabrigada at kakampi sa Bambang expedition 2005.

imagine what inkblots can do... :)

2006-01-03T15:30:00.000+06:30

Deane, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

Tickle's Original Inkblot Test

Reveal Your Subconscious Mind

God sees through

2006-01-02T12:58:00.000+06:30

january 2, 2005

i really hate it when i have to go home at about 1-2 in the afternoon. who wouldn't? it's hot and it's really boring. so when i knew that my prof. for the next class was absent, i got irritated by the fact that i have to go home at exactly that time. i still have to do my transcript so i had no choice. oh well...

i was sweating profusely, and i wanted to curse myself for going home early. about an hour to go. this is going to be another booooring jeepney ride.

the old lady looked like a high school english teacher. one who had been teaching for almost three quarters of her life, and had learnt each and every technique there is in teaching life's greatest secrets to her students. she looked at me from outside the jeepney and it seems that she was uncertain whether to ride or not.

when she got on, she took the seat in front of me and spoke to me as if she knew me her whole life. she told me that she couldn't walk any longer because her feet are sore already. she told me that she had just been to the national library where she worked for 43 years. she had just retired three months ago and she came back to visit some old friends.

at first i thought she was a lunatic. i couldn't believe that she would easily talk to me, a complete stranger, whose only response was to smile. but i admit that the moment i knew that she had a blister on her foot because of her shoe, i felt really disappointed because i hadn't brought band-aid along. huh. way to go, nurse.

in an instant, she had already divulged the stories of her life... she had been married to the same man for fifty years already... they had eleven offspring and one had been missing for a very long time. that daughter even left them a baby girl, and she was forced to take care of the baby for fourteen years now. she owns a sewing machine back home, and she likes to make curtains. she loves making them so much that she even stays up late just to make them. she told me that she lives with her siblings in a house that they have all inherited. she was really disappointed because of all rooms in the house, the kitchen was given to her name. but she was proud that she did her best to make it the most beautiful room in the house. she was really angry at her parents that she cried when they had their family sharing. she told me that she really liked the feeling of crying all the anger out, the feeling that her heart is being squeezed really hard so that all the sadness will come out in the form of tears. "nakakagaang talaga ng pakiramdam pag naiiyak mo na lahat ng sama ng loob mo," she said. and i couldn't agree more.

she was 14 when world war II hit manila. "nagtutulak ako ng kariton noon sa Luneta. kapag may air raid na, tumatalon kami papasok dun sa mga dugouts. kasama nga namin yung mga hapon." i was really shocked at this. it so happens that our History 1 professor had asked us to interview world war II survivors and i had already finished interviewing my grandmother about it. and there she was, telling me her story about the same topic! even more ironic is the fact that my grandmother was also 14 at the time. i'm really really close to my lola and maybe that's why it was easy for me to talk to her.

i can feel that the other jeepney passengers were thinking that this woman and i must really know each other. who would tell a stranger about his or her family problems and give them a crash course on his/her autobiography? i was really blown away by her oppenness. and the way we connected was really something. i began to think that maybe God really meant to make our paths cross today. she taught me a lot of great things. she told me to spend money wisely because "madaling malustay ang pera". she also told me to take care of my 14 year old siblings because "delikado na ang panahon ngayon". but what i will never forget about her is that she told me: "walang imposible sa panalangin" and she said that during the earthquake of 1990 she was among those buried alive inside San Agustin church. she passed out and when she woke up, she was already outside of the ruins, with a rosary clutched in her hand. "maganda ang buhay, at dapat tayong magpasalamat sa Diyos."

miraculous. i couldn't help but admire her every second that she was talking. and to think that i judged her as a lunatic.

i really wished that we would encounter a traffic jam and get stuck in paco. but for some reason there seemed to be no traffic at all. my usual one hour ride seemed to last for only 15 minutes. i knew that i'm going to reach my stop very soon.

with a strong feeling of disappointment surging within me, i told her that i had reached my street and i had to go. but just after i got up, she grabbed my hand and told me: "nice meeting you. take care... God bless you anak." and she smiled as if she was really delighted in the sharing that we had. i knew that the people around us were surprised to know that we were complete strangers to one another. i bet they thought it weird for us to act like that. even the driver had a slight smirk on his face when i saw him from the rear view mirror. but i didn't care.

on the tricycle ride to our house, i said a prayer and thanked God for giving me this wonderful blessing. i never got to ask for her name but she sure did inspire me to live life better, to strengthen my faith, and to love God even more.

if you are a bit skeptical with this blog post, then i tell you: everything that i have written here is true. i will not ask you to believe in it; i just want to share my experience... so that if by some chance a woman with short black hair and sore feet happens to ride in the jeep that you are in, and she starts to talk to you about her life, don't think of her as a lunatic as i did. just listen to her story and you will find yourself enlightened. :)

have a blessed day.

2006-01-01T17:00:00.000+06:30

dinner at tempura, UN avenue

[stuck]

2006-01-01T14:28:00.000+06:30

~happy new year!!!~

december 30, 2005..

ahai. ang pinoy talaga. kung kailan malapit na malapit na ang okasyon, saka pa lang bibili ng ipanghahanda. kaya naman imbis na nagbibyuti rest na lang kami ng mama ko dito sa bahay, napasugod pa tuloy kami sa puregold para bumili ng sangkaterbang bagay. at totoo nga naman, pagdating namin doon, pagkadami ng tao. lahat nirurush ang pagbili ng sangkap para sa noche buena. at dahil tulad lang rin nila kami, nagmadali na kami sa meat section para humanap ng maganda-gandang karne.

ewan ko ba kung bakit sumama pa ko. may transcript pa akong dapat gawin at patuloy pa akong binabangungot ng santambak pang gawain para sa darating na pasukan. kaunti na lang ang panahon, dahil sa ikalawang araw ng bagong taon, kung kailan bingi pa rin ako dahil sa ingay ng paputok at malabo pa rin ang paningin ko dahil sa usok, papasok nanaman ako. at ganito na ito hanggang dumating na naman ang sem break. oo, sem break. dahil hindi katulad mo, (kung ikaw ay hindi taga CN) wala akong summer break. wag mo nang itanong kung bakit. dahil iyan kay ma'am sotejo at kung di mo siya kilala, don't bother na lang.

okay back to the story.

ang dami pala ng klase ng karne ano? may mga karne na ang hugis ay pang ganitong luto lang, meron namang karne na buto buto lang, meron ding cubes, merong dila, merong balat, merong ribs at iba pa. pero ang hindi ko lang maintindihan, bakit kinakamay ng mga serbidor doon ang karne?! omigash!!! hindi ba nila alam na iyon ay unsanitary? hindi porket naghugas sila ng kamay ay germ free na yun noh?! tapos ipapakita nila yun sa mga mamimili? waaa ayoko nun, hindi ako bibili ng ganun. higit sa lahat, ayokong kumain nun!!!!

mukhang masarap yung ready-to-cook barbecue nila. kaya bumili kami ng isang kilo. aba, mura na yun. 20 pieces na rin un at wala pang 190 pesos ang halaga. tignan mo nga naman, nakamura pa. sana lang masarap.

ayan, matapos ang nakakapagod at paikot-ikot na adventure sa grocerihan, kailangan mo namang pumila sa counter para siyempre, bayaran ang mga items na kinuha mo. kaya naman pumili kami ng isang pila na bagamat mahaba ay isa na sa pinakamaikling pila na naroon. mas mahirap talaga ang tumayo ng walang ginagawa kaysa umikot-ikot ng pagkatagal para humanap ng bibilhin. nagugutom na ko. doon lang, sa may likod ng cashier yung mga bilihan ng mga pagkain. may zagu, may pizza, may squid balls, may siomai... wow, lalong nakakagutom. ayus yung marketing strategy na yun ah. siyempre magugutom ung mga nakapila. kaya gugustuhin nilang bumili ng makakain. pero, hindi puedeng magpasok ng pagkain sa loob. bad trip. kung kakain ka, dun ka sa tapat ng stalls nila. bad trip talaga.

nakakagulat kung iisipin mo kung ilang tao na sa mundo ang may credit card. credit is good, but cash is better... nabasa ko yun sa tindahan nung isang araw lang. pero bakit andaming may credit card? dahil ba mukhang sosy pag may credit card? eh ano yung visa? ung mastercard? yung platinum card? yung atm card? pare-pareho lang ba yun? importante ba ang credit card sa buhay ng tao? oo. kaya naman nung nalaman ng nanay ko na hindi niya dala yung credit card nya, bumaliktad bigla ang mundo. hindi naman literal yun noh. medyo lang. kinailangan niyang umuwi para kunin yung credit card niya. dahil wala siyang dalang cash. huh. cash is better pala ha. at siyempre, dahil nandun ako, iniwan sakin ung mga bilihin para bantayan. hindi ako pwedeng pumila dahil hindi ko naman sigurado kung makakarating si mama on time. nakakahiya kung wala akong maipambabayad. kaya pumunta na lang ako sa isang sulok para doon maghintay. nakakainip. nakakagutom. lalo na't nakikita ko yung mga pangalan nung mga stall na nagbebenta ng pagkain. ang tingkad. parang ang sarap na iwan muna ung cart dun sa isang sulok at bumili ng squid balls at gulaman juice na kulay pula...

masarap nga. kung hindi lang mataray yung tindera bibili pa ko ng isa. kaso parang ang sarap ng french fries. kaya umalis na ko dun sa stall niya at nagpunta sa french fries-an. wow, antagal ko nang hindi nakakakain ng sour cream flavored french fries. bagong luto. buti na lang may dala akong isang daang piso. solb.

nakita ko bigla yung matabang maliit na babae na nakasuot ng pula at puting stripes. ayus! mama ko na yun... kaya inubos ko na yung kinakain ko at sumama na sa kanya papasok...

mama: nasaan na yung cart natin?
deane: dun sa may bahay kubo, iniwan ko dun sa gilid.
mama: (pagdating sa may bahay kubo)
nasaan na?
deane: nanjan lang!

hala. meron palang isang bagay na tinatawag na 'return cart'. yun yung proseso ng pagkuha sa mga inabandonang cart na may laman at ang pagbalik ng mga lamang ito sa kani-kanilang lalagyan. siguro alam ko naman talaga noon pa man na may ganun sa mundo, hindi ko nga lang pinagtutuunan ng pansin. at yun na nga. yun na nga ang nangyari sa aming cart. yun ang nangyari sa isa't kalahating oras na umikot ikot ako sa puregold para humanap ng mabibili. wala na, naibalik nang lahat. o kay saklap ng buhay. at lahat ng iyan ay dahil sa aking tiyan at ulo. bakit? dahil walang laman ang aking tiyan at matigas ang aking ulo.

dahil alam na naman namin kung ano ang bibilhin, kung ilan ang kukunin at kung saan ito kukunin ay naging relatively madali na ang muli naming pangunguha ng mga items. ngunit subalit datapwat the worst is yet to come. dahil nga mga panic buyers ang mga pilipino, pagdating namin sa pila ay gahaba na nito. gulo gulo na. nagpapatayan na ang mga tao para sa atensyon ng kahera. parang may people power revolution. kaso lang ang gustong patalsikin sa puwesto ay ang mga mababagal na kahera at bagger na sa loob yata ng sampung segundo ay isang pindot lang ang nagagawa sa computer at isang delata lang ang naipaplastik.

kung minamalas ka nga naman. yan siguro ang eksaktong mga salita na iniisip ng lalakeng nasa harap namin ni mama sa pila.

*dalawang rolyo ng tissue paper.
*isang supot ng kalamansi
*isang bote ng chili sauce.

at dalawang oras na kaming pumipila, hindi pa rin kami nakakausad. akala niya siguro naisahan niya yung sangkaterbang tao na nakapila sa express lane. suuuper haba nga naman ng pila nila, pero for some reason na hindi ko maipaliwanag, mabilis ang kahera at bagger boy nila at yung sa amin naman, oh well... nagdaan na ang easter bunny hindi pa rin namin mabayad-bayaran yung pang noche buena namin. pero bakit hindi pa rin siya umaalis sa pila? ewan ko. siguro isa siyang tao na determinadong mapatunayan na tama ang desisyon niya na huwag pumila sa express lane. siguro wala rin siyang gagawin. yun na nga siguro. naisip ko rin, kung bibili ka ng tissue at kalamansi at chili sauce, bakit hindi na lang sa iyong suking tindahan? sa palengke? o kaya sa 7-eleven? bakit sa isang supermarket pa kung saan pagkadami ng tao? bakeeet?

sa wakas, lumuhod rin ang mga tala. ayan, turn niya na. nailagay niya na ang kaniyang mga bilihin sa tapat ng cashier. pero bakit parang hindi siya pinapansin nito? cashier? cashier? malayo ang tingin....

wala na palang barya sa cash register.

maghihintay pa kami ng darating na magbibigay ng barya.

kaawa-awang nilalang. antahimik niyang tao. kung naging masalita lang siguro siya, baka naunahan pa niya ang putukan para sa bagong taon. masaya sana yun, exciting. pero hindi eh. next year na lang.

sa loob ng halos limang oras, naroon lang kami ng mama ko sa supermarket. paikot-ikot, hanap ng hanap ng kung ano, tumayo at naghintay ng pagkatagal-tagal. pero kahit na natigang na kami dun, kahit naubos na lahat ng enerhiya namin, nagawa rin namin yung kailangan naming gawin. at pag-uwi, mayroon nanaman kaming bagong istorya. tungkol sa paglilibot, sa paghahanap, sa paghihintay, at sa pagtatapos.

have a happy and blessed 2006! :)

then you look at me...

2005-12-31T19:30:00.000+06:30

laugh and cry,
live and die
life is a dream,
we are dreaming...

day by day
i find my way
look for the soul
and the meaning

~*~

then you look at me
and i always see
what i have been searching for
i'm lost as can be
then you look at me
and i am not lost anymore...

~*~

people run, sun to sun
caught in their lives overflowing
once begun life goes til it's gone
we have to go where it's going

~ *~

and you say you see
when you look at me
the reason you love life so
oh, lost, i have been
i find love again
and life just keeps on running
and life just keeps on running
you look at me and life comes from you

from you...