Adulterated Alliterations

Whispered words wander in the wind
while willows wade in the water.
Solemn songs are sung in soliloquy
serenading symphonies to Sweet Sixteens.

Moonlight masks the marauders
while mothers mourn in misery.
For feverish faces and flaming fantasies
find fulfillment in foliage of forbidden forests.

Temperatures tower as the tandem twists and turns,
taunting them trilogies in tranquil temples;
Canopies conceal complicated conjunctions
as curious children change into childish couples.

As naked novices nourish nocturnal necessities,
naiads neigh in naivete:
"The youth, they yell for yonder years,
while yields of yore yearn yesterday."

10/09/06

wishing of hypermnesia.

if there ever was a pill that would make one effortlessly memorize every word written on a book, every particular sound of the notes in a symphony, every single sensation of every perception ever experienced, and if that pill was widely commercialized throughout the globe, would human beings be happier than they relatively are now?

memories may only be as good as they last, but memory in itself, exists because of the truth that nothing can last forever. and if memories weren't created, what would be the remnants of fleeting episodes of true existence?

***
i wish i had hypermnesia. i don't mind living through unerasable thoughts of a miserable past.
i do know that it would be really wonderful to remember every single sensation within every single moment that i shared with you. :)

dye your hair blue

i had a really weird dream last night. there i was, all alone in my room when all of a sudden albert einstein popped right in front of me out of thin air.
instead of shock, what i felt was relief. for i knew that only he (aside from God) can answer the question that's been troubling me (in my dream, that is).

so i asked him:

"what do i have to do to get *insert name here*'s attention? how can i be able to make him look my way?"


being the genius that he is, he paused for a while to ponder about my inquiry.

a few moments later, he said:

"dye your hair blue."

and vanished into thin air.


in my dream i felt as if the mystery of life had just been revealed to me. i felt utmost certainty that by following einstein's advice, i would finally be noticed by my prince charming. after all, he is one of the most intelligent people who ever lived (aside from the inventor of iPod, of course), isn't he?


so i dashed to the nearest salon, desperately wanting to dye my hair blue. i knew i could've done it myself, but my hair was too precious, and i wanted everything, everything to be perfect.

i entered the salon, dashed to the receptionist, and said:

"i want you to dye my hair blue."

"blue?" she asked.

"yes, blue. would someone please dye my hair blue? how much would it cost?"

"but ma'am, we don't have blue hair dye. how about green? or purple? i'm sure that would look good on you."


enraged, i shouted angry words at the receptionist and stormed out of the salon.

i had to find someone who could dye my hair blue.

fast.


i was fast forwarded to what i perceived was the last salon in the country. if i remember it correctly, it was named "the cutting edge".

i was tired and desperate, and for the thousandth time, i asked the receptionist:

"could someone please dye my hair blue?"

for the first time out of a thousand, i got a different answer:

"we have the blue dye, ma'am, but nobody is currently available to dye your hair."


"how long do you have to wait?"

"if you want, you can place a reservation. but the next slot will be two weeks from now."


if there ever was a word to describe exactly how i felt at that very moment, i don't think that misters merriam or webster or oxford or grollier had ever heard of it before.

but instead of blowing up like a giant red tomato, i, for the first time out of a hundred as well, kept my cool and thought of another way to solve my problem.

"how much is the dye?" i said.

***

i walked out of the salon with a bag of blue dye, an ecstatic feeling, and an empty wallet. i decided that if nobody is available to dye my hair for me, then i would have to do it myself. it shouldn't be hard. i've watched my mother dye her hair at times. if i really want him to notice me, i have to do it myself. i have to dye my hair on my own.


monday came. i got up reeaally early to fix myself up. i spent 30 minutes thinking about whether i should braid my hair or put it in a bun. a few hours later, i got out of our house with my hair down, playfully twirling strands between my fingers.


when i got to school, i walked along as if i owned the world. i wore an all white dress, so my hair would do all the drama.


and then there was him.


he looked towards my direction and smiled. as his first few steps led him right in front of me, i felt the wind lift my locks up, and i instinctively moved my head so that my hair would float in the wind like the waves in a blue ocean. this is my moment. after this i would post an essay about how intelligent albert einstein is in my blog. today, my whole world will change, and i attribute that to my blue hair.

he stopped right in front of me. i gave him a smile (which was more like a beam) and he instantly smiled back at me.


"nice hair, deane" he said.


and as he walked on, i felt as if the whole universe wanted this to happen. i stared at him while he traversed the street, and gaped at his all-unique, all-handsome stance. my eyes remained locked at the divine figure that i didn't get the chance to see the other figure walking right towards him.

then i felt something wet touch my skin..

it was starting to rain.

i remained there, staring at him, and at the other figure who immediately took his hand and kissed him on the cheek.

i knew that something was wrong with that particular girl. but i couldn't quite figure out what it is.


was it her dress?

was it her face?

was it the way she held his hand?

was it the way she kissed him?


then it struck me. harder than i could ever imagine.


this girl had blazing red hair.


rain, lots of it, caught me unaware.

as i entered the college building, i found myself drenched.


drenched.

in blue water.


i went to the bathroom only to see my hair, no longer blue, but a mess of black and dissolved blue.

it was the most abhorring thing i had ever seen.


i wanted to cry, but i couldn't. instead, i laughed. i laughed so hard all the people outside heard me.


even my sister heard me laughing.


so she woke me up.

endless...

the worst brings out the best in everyone

toxic. as in Uber toxic talaga ng buhay ko within the past four weeks.

WEEKS 1 and 2.

Clinicals.

Nagstart na kaming mag clinical duty sa Ward 14-B, isa sa dalawang Obstetrics and Gynecology ward ng PGH. Dahil nga kami ang isa sa dalawang pinaka-unang group na sasabak sa clinical experience ng N-10 Foundations of Nursing ng UPCN, walang ibang feeling na namayani sa kalooban ko kundi isang plethora ng TakoT, ExcitemenT, at isang foreboding na pakiramdam na magiging HeLL ang susunod pang mga linggo.

Sa kabutihang palad ay napunta naman sa grupo namin ang isa sa mga pinakamabait at pinakamaarugang teacher na nakilala ko sa buong buhay ko. Sobrang nabawasan ang tensyon ko mula nung malaman ko na siya ang magiging CI ko sa Ward. At totoo nga naman, sobrang naging magaan ang load na naramdaman ko dahil nandoon siya, kasama namin every step of the way.

Sobrang na-feel ko ang pride mula nung maisuot ko nang kumpleto ang Clinical uniform namin. Sabi nga, mafifeel mo lang daw na nagnunursing ka pag nasimulan mo nang isuot ung uniform. True enough, as if may magic spell ang uniform na yun, ang malikot, makulit, magulo, at clumsy na si Deane Mitchelle ay natransform into a less malikot, makulit, magulo at clumsy na tao. hehe. Napilitan talaga akong huwag magpakagulo tuwing suot ko ang uniform ko, sa loob man o sa labas ng ward. Haii, I feel it in my blood na talaga. This is my calling.

The best part about my 2-week clinical experience is the whole nurse-patient interaction that we had. Sobrang memorable talaga nung mga yun. I had two clients, Nanay Pusing and Nanay Marissa. I might forget them sometime in my life, but before I do, I'll always cherish them as the people who first helped me achieve the truly wonderful feeling of establishing a bond with a total stranger, in terms of being a nurse. God bless them both.

toxicity level: **

WEEK 3.

Community.

Kung may Richter scale lang ang anxiety at nerbyos at kaba, the first day of this week would have reached way beyond the highest. Sa lahat ba naman ng mga sangkatauhan, grupo pa namin, GROUP B ang maaassign sa isa sa mga legendary na professor sa UP College of Nursing! At gudlak naman sa aming mga neophytes diba? Kilala ang prof. na to sa pandedelay ng mga tao. yun lang naman. and we're FIRST in the line of battle. kumbaga, kami ung unang-unang mababaril. Ay hindi, nuclear warhead pala ang nakatutok sa amin. That's it. Kung may taong hindi kinakabahan sa grupo namin, siguro patay na siya kaya ganun.

Sa NAIA Health Center kami naka-assign. Isa yung Health Center na nakatago sa Our Lady of the Airways parish malapit sa NAIA. Kaya nung sabihin namin sa manong drayber nung jeep na dalhin kami sa NAIA Health Center, e parang natulala lang siya, natakot na mawalan ng pasahero, at kahit hindi naman talaga alam ay nagsinunghaling para lang hindi namin siya layasan. Ayun tuloy, late na nga kami, ang haba haba pa ng nilakad namin para lang masalubong ang aming dreaded professor. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, may nakita yata akong usok na nag-eemanate from her nostrils kahit ang girly girly at mukhang inosente ang smile niya. Op kors galit siya. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ng higher years, yun daw ang mahirap sa kanya. Hindi mo malalaman kung tama o mali o disastrous na ang ginagawa mo dahil kahit ano ang mangyari, kahit napatay mo na ung patient mo dahil sobra ang pagpump mo ng BP apparatus, nakasmile pa rin siya, smile lang. smile to the nth level.

Siguro akala niya, kakosa namin si Superman dati sa Krypton. O kaya naman kami yung mga lumaking Batang X. O kaya naman clones kami ng mga teenage mutant ninja turtles at kahit di hamak naman na mas matino ang itsura namin sa kanila ay iniisip nya na may super powers kami at kayang naming gawin sa loob ng isang araw ang santambak na bagay. Sa dami ng pinagawa niya sa amin, namatay na lahat ng mga kuko namin sa paa sa kakaresearch at natusta na ang mga kilay namin sa kasusunog. Nursing Health History, Family Service and Progress Record, Risk assessment, Metro Manila Developmental Screening Test, Nutritional Assessment, Recommended Energy and Nutritional Intake, Meal Plan, Health Education at Nursing Care Plan ang ilang lang sa mga inexpect niyang magagawa ng aming mga mumunting katawan at pagod na pagod nang utak. Buti sana kung N10 lang ang klase namin ngayong semester. Kaso lang meron pang Parasitology, Microbiology, Asian History, N4 Pathophysiology at Biochemistry. Kailangan pang magprepare ng performance para sa upcoming na College event, ang Nursecissism na inaabangan talaga ng lahat. Kaya mejo 1/4 na lang ng buong being ko ang alive nung mga panahon na iyon. To top it all, namaos pa ko.

Mabuti na lang at mabait naman ang pamilyang napunta sa akin. Kung hindi, baka hindi na ako nakapag-smile ulit sa buong career ko.

For the record, ang linggong ito ang naging pinakamahabang linggo ng buong buhay ko so far.

toxicity level: **********************************************

WEEK 4.

For some reason ay hindi ko inisip na magiging magaan ang linggong ito para sa akin.

Dahil nga isa akong bibong bata, ay nagvolunteer akong tumulong na maglead ng BATCH namin para maisakatuparan ang Nursecissism performance namin. Kaya't bagamat physically incapable at mentally strained pa ang utak ko ay pinilit kong magkaroon ng lakas para magawan ng paraan ang performance na mukhang walang patutunguhan. Paano ba naman, isang linggo na lang ang natitira para magpractice. Gud luck talaga.

Grabe, hindi ko alam na kaya ko palang maging mataray at times. As in ung Uber taray na parang si Anne Marielle Galvez kapag natural niya. Ganun. At hindi normal sa akin ang ganun. Kaya sorry na lang sa mga batchmates ko na natarayan ko nung mga panahon na yun. Pagod lang talaga ako. at makulit naman kasi talaga kayo. :)

Dumating ang Friday at kasama nito ang takot dahil hindi pa namin natatapos yung performance namin! Mabuti sana kung tapos na at papraktisin na lang namin, kaso ang problema, hindi pa naituturo ng maayos yung huling part. Kaya naman one hour before the program ay nun pa lang namin talagang napraktis yung performance. Asteeg talaga ang batch namin. Composed at mukha pa ring walang problema kahit malapit nang gumuho ang tanging mundong ginagalawan namin.

Hindi ko napigilang mamangha nung makita kong nag-aayos yung mga batchmates ko. Siyet. Ang gaganda at ang gagwapo namin. Huwah! :) Sobrang nasiyahan ako na super nagtulung-tulungan yung buong batch para mabuo ang lahat. Nung nagpeperform na kami, sobrang naririnig ko yung pagkabog ng dibdib ko. Sobrang crammed ang performance na to pero whatever happens, masaya pa rin ako kasi nagawa namin to. As one.

Wala kaming naiuwing trophy (kahit wala naman talagang trophy na ipinamimigay sa Nursecissism) pero lahat kami nag-enjoy. Lahat kami narelieve dahil Friday na, tapos na naman ang isang linggo, at tapos na rin ang performance na nagburden sa amin for the past week. Tapos na ang sunod-sunod na 8 pm na uwian, tapos na rin ang karapatan kong magtaray at mang-okray ng mga tao.

Napakasaya ng mga nangyari nitong linggo na to kahit sobrang nakakapagod.

Un sangre. Un personas. One blood, one people.

toxicity level: ******* (seven yan. para sa seven endless.)

Alam kong hindi dito nagtatapos ang katoxican namin. That's for sure. Pero meron pa ring isang endless na for sure ay hindi namin ireregret - hangga't nagkakaisa ang batch namin at hangga't lahat kami ay may paniniwala sa isa't isa, hindi kami matitibag ng kahit ano pang level ng katoxican.

BSN Batch 09. San ka pa? :)

the ice queen

if lightning should ever strike me in my life, i would want it to be here. now.

if a feeling so intense should ever course through my veins, let it not be in another lifetime.

melt my heart so i can feel,

give warmth to my blood so i can escape.


i want to feel some fire from deep inside me.



breathe out into me,


for i am frozen.

light & darkness

H e loved her like dew loved the break of dawn - silent and immeasurable.

for the most part, it was him who gave the relationship its life -
he was always the one to sacrifice, to surrender, to give more.

for a year and eight months he cherished whatever he had,
never asking for anything more or for anything in return.

but a day after that, she left. without saying anything, anything at all.

-----~~~------

"y ou complete me," she told him.

fifteen months passed, and because of the same person,
she found herself torn, mismatched and empty-
as if she'll never be whole again.

for the first time in her life, she felt grief like she never did before.

it was like being in a free-falling elevator;

when will this stop?
will this ever end?
will i be crushed when i get to the bottom?

she braced herself for the beginning of the end.

-----~~~------

H e was lost, he knew.

nothing could ever bring him back again.

if only death was enough to relieve the pain, he thought.

but it wasn't.

at last, he chose to leave the real world,

and retreat into his own - one of an eternal icy darkness -

where there was no light,

no heat,

nothing to feel.


no hope.

-----~~~-----

Y es, she knew, she had reached the end.

but as she opened the metal doors,

a sea of white rushed in, engulfing her whole.

at first she knew she was drowning in neither wind nor water

but in a heavenly scent of lilies.

lilies - not white, but clean.

so clean they shone like firstborn sunlight -
the kind that pierces thick, dark clouds after a heavy storm.

they flowed through her body, washing her inside out.


soon, she too sparkled -

she radiated a new sense of hope, of life after the destruction.

she was ready to love again.


**


in her dreams she saw a boy,

cold and lonely, hiding in the darkness.

she wanted to touch him,
to give him warmth,

to make him feel.


but how?




will light and darkness ever melt into one?

post-nuclear

for two weeks now, the same song has been playing non-stop in my head.

i don't know why this got stuck in here, but it seems that my mind doesn't want to let go of it until i've really listened to what the song is trying to say.

*****

can a heart still beat when it's already broken?

*****

in a span of one year, i picked up the remaining shards of what used to be my heart. a few months after ground zero, i realized that i had nowhere to go but up, and so i prepared myself for the journey towards becoming whole once again.

there were times when i thought i was ready to love again. there were times when i thought i was strong and brave enough to expose my still-healing heart to the battlefield. there were times when i risked everything for simply another chance of feeling a sense of wholeness that i knew could only come from being in an intimate relationship with another person.

it is because of all those times that i wound up even more miserable, disappointed and depressed today than i ever did before.

~

so today, i must heed what this song tells me.
~

i shall
* start anew.
* pay no more interest in the sadness of the past
* wait for the time when love decides to pass my way.
* love.
but
* never love too much.
* have faith in the Lord, for after all, He is LOVE.




~* closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end*~